I haven’t written on this blog in what seems like ages. I suppose its because I’ve been in a bit of rut. Writing A Life Full of Glitter took more out of me than I originally realized. On top of that, life has been hard to the ones I love and I’ve made it a priority to be there for them. That’s the rough spot about being in the position I am, my energy is asked for in so many places and sometimes I just burn out because I’ve spread myself too thin. It’s the people pleaser in me. I just want everyone to be a little bit happier.
One of the things that was 100% holding me back was my silly belief I could actually make everyone happy with what I create. That if I worked really really hard and put all my heart into it that eventually I would unlock some secret formula to the perfect piece of prose and imagery. However, the comments and engagement on my content only got more polarizing, I only became more and more distraught.
My content creation became backed in fear. I would get anxious every time I posted something. What would they hate about me today? How would I fail to deliver? Sometimes it was the fit of my pants. Sometimes it was misunderstandings. Sometimes it was the color of my shirt. Some days it was my make up. Every day there was a new reason for people to be disappointed in me. This was all I could see. The failures.
So i began to take my heart out of the work, and I wasn’t as me as I have been before. I’d never really had anxiety and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I had to learn new skills and evolve my coping mechanisms. It sucked. It’s great to be popular on the internet, but the mental demands it creates on you are intense. I had to recalibrate and learn to live in this new state of affairs. I have over 800,000 followers across channels. I will not and cannot please them all everyday and I would lose my ability to be happy if I keep trying to.
I am still working on it, being ok with where this has all grown to. I am tremendously uncomfortable with quasi-internet fame. However today while shooting I mentioned to my photographer and long time friend Joey I was considering leaving influencer work behind. He looked me in the eyes and said confidently, ” What you create is needed and I know you don’t feel strong enough, but you are. You were meant for this. You get to be the voice for people who aren’t always heard. That’s a gift.” As we walked into the sun to shoot I thought to myself, “here’s to never shutting up.”
Outfit Details: Lane Bryant forest green blazer and pants, Eloquii penguin print blouse,
Sperry grey loafers, Asos plaid beret
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