I have one Valentine’s Day tradition, and to be honest it might be my favorite holiday tradition of all time. Yes, this is odd given I am not a 24 hours de amor mega fan, but bear with me. See every year the night before Valentine’s Day, I drink. I drink a lot. I also cake my face in make up, tease my hair and then proceed to writhe like an animal on my bed and wipe at my face with reckless abandon until I look like the queen of hot mess- and the ultimate example of a love gone wrong victim. I then proceed to photograph myself, usually while consuming more libations, and fake crying. Not, no crying. Wailing. Screeching. Moaning. All over my lack of love. The results are the best and saddest Valentine’s photos you’ll see this year.
People love Valentines Day, all dem hearts and chocolate and fancy wine and roses and sexy sexy underwear. Me, I love to HATE Valentine’s Day. I just think the whole thing is stupid, lame-o, sad pants, annoyed emoji face, tired. This may be because I am against holidays that use love to sell us stuff we don’t need or probably more accurately because I am soulless swarthy spinster with no gilded lover in sight. And don’t even get me start on those frivolous single awareness day parties. I don’t need a party to celebrate the fact I am single. I do that Every. Single. Damn. Day. Thank you very much. Except when I do my taxes, because there have been a few years I have really considered getting hitched for a cheeky little tax break.
So Instead of getting all gushy gushy about the love in the air, I refuse to be caught in cupid’s chokehold. Instead I present you with my anti-Valentine’s Day outfit. Because I ain’t got not time for love right now. Move aside, boss lady coming through. This pale pink button down embroidered with “no time for love” is from Asos and is also available in straight sizes for you non-plus sized ladies. The black tank dress is a closet basic I scored at Old Navy. I paired the look with my comfy tevas (a modern take on the every day flip flop), an old belt from the back of my closet, and a metallic convertible clutch/shoulder bag I picked up on clearance at Coach.
Everybody get your hands ready because we are about to drop an amazing rough of applause for @Mariiagiimena! Maria, is Torrid’s 2017 model search winner and the new face of the brand for this year. You can watch her amazing journey below and celebrate another woman kicking ass and making their dreams come true. Those are the types of stories we should celebrate more.
As Maria steps into her new role, I felt I should offer my expert model advice. I am obviously ver ver experienced from my 2-3 professional photo shoots and am obviously the best and only one fit to give her such critical advice. Maria, listen up. These words are going to be life changing.
Two Words: Leaf Blower. Make sure your hair stylist has a leaf blower and awkwardly crouches delicately underneath you at all times. AT ALL TIMES, MARIA! This is how Geo gets her perfect breeze blown coif and you can and will have it to.
Bring a big bag. Word to the wise. There is excellent candy in craft services and you’re going to want to take that ish home. Who doesn’t want to wake up to a purse filled to the brim with Swedish fish and snickers minis? No one. That’s basically the culmination of all my dreams coming true right there.
Announce to everyone that you are a model. Because now you are, Maria. You’re a cat walk killer… a powerful print princess… a bodacious billboard babe. You’re kind of a big deal. Maybe it will get you free cheesy fries. And we all know cheesy fries are worth any embarrassment blatant self-promotion might create.
Lean against things. One thing I observed while watching top models at my Torrid shoot is that they were always leaning on things. Cool people lean on things. Models are cool. Therefor you need to lean on things. It’s required. It’s your duty. See photo for a suggested lean to master.
Do You. Be yourself, have fun and most of all- go out and celebrate. You just killed the damn thing and that means screw the prosecco, you deserve that Champaign lifestyle.
Welcome to the Torrid family, Maria! I can’t wait to be surrounded by your smiling sassy face while spending all my money on pretty things. It will be like BOOM! Maria’s lounging in lingerie. BANG! Maria’s acting up in active wear. BLAMO! Maria’s keep it real in casuals. Dreams come true, Maria. Dreams come true.
So I have learned a magical thing. When it snows in Portland, it’s not just the schools that are cancelled. Offices shut down. Campuses close. The entire city comes to an eerie grinding halt. The white stuff really freaks people out.
Or does it? While taking these photos I definitely happened upon a woman running in cropped pants. CROPS. IN. THE. SNOW. That means bits of icy terror are splashing menace-fully against her leg as she runs. Portland is weird. This proves it.
Meanwhile, I am suffering. Because I was all like ” I’m so cool… I don’t need no coat. I’ll tough it out.” This is mostly because coats are bulky when packing and I hate having to lug more than I absolutely have to around the airport. But it turns out I was very wrong. I needed a coat. Heck, I needed a scarf, gloves, ninja warmth face mask, hand warmers, waterproofed moon boots, a portable heating pad, and maybe a sexy foreign lover to keep me warm.
Here I sit freezing cold in a world of snow. Regardless of how frigid I get, I will never turn down a good photo opp. Even if that means tackling mounds of snow, gross slush, and the harsh reality that I might lose my left arm to frostbite all for the sake of a good photo. And these photos are pretty darn rad. And thus I am content in my use of this snow day, because I look as cool today as Portland looks white.
Sometimes we simple isn’t boring, it’s special. Take for example this pink bodycon dress. It’s pretty ordinary. The cut is standard. However, in the right color with the right necklace this “simple” dress is extraordinary. It’s more than just a party dress, it’s a party statement.
Outfit Details
This shimmery spectacle of a dress is from JC Penney’s Boutique+ line. The shoes are from the wide width shoe powerhouse, Torrid. The necklace was a handmade gift from a former mentor of mine. I’ve found this alternative necklace and I hope you’ll agree that it’s every bit just as special. With just 3 items, I’ve created one killer outfit. Even better, with all these Christmas sales, you can snag the entire look today for under $100.
I am one day away from lying on a sandy beach with rum in my hand and sea salt in my hair. Given the ever-growing list of things I need to get done, and my excellent ability at finding ways to distract myself from the tasks at hand, I’m a little stressed. So today instead of several lines of witty prose, I’m just going to give you the outfit details and slowly back away. Maybe just maybe I’ll finish my laundry, close out the items on my work to do list and somehow squeeze a pedicure in.
I have one Valentine’s Day tradition, and to be honest it might be my favorite holiday tradition of all time. Yes, this is odd given I am not a 24 hours de amor mega fan, but bear with me. See every year the night before Valentine’s Day, I drink. I drink a lot. I also cake my face in make up, tease my hair and then proceed to writhe like an animal on my bed and wipe at my face with reckless abandon until I look like the queen of hot mess- and the ultimate example of a love gone wrong victim. I then proceed to photograph myself, usually while consuming more libations, and fake crying. Not, no crying. Wailing. Screeching. Moaning. All over my lack of love. The results are the best and saddest Valentine’s photos you’ll see this year.
(here’s an example of last year’s shoot)
People love Valentines Day, all dem hearts and chocolate and fancy wine and roses and sexy sexy underwear. Me, I love to HATE Valentine’s Day. I just think the whole thing is stupid, lame-o, sad pants, annoyed emoji face, tired. This may be because I am against holidays that use love to sell us stuff we don’t need or probably more accurately because I am soulless swarthy spinster with no gilded lover in sight. And don’t even get me start on those frivolous single awareness day parties. I don’t need a party to celebrate the fact I am single. I do that Every. Single. Damn. Day. Thank you very much. Except when I do my taxes, because there have been a few years I have really considered getting hitched for a cheeky little tax break.
Everybody get your hands ready because we are about to drop an amazing rough of applause for 
Snowy day lady bad ass realness. A rebellious 
Sometimes we simple isn’t boring, it’s special. Take for example this pink bodycon dress. It’s pretty ordinary. The cut is standard. However, in the right color with the right necklace this “simple” dress is extraordinary. It’s more than just a party dress, it’s a party statement.
I am one day away from lying on a sandy beach with rum in my hand and sea salt in my hair. Given the ever-growing list of things I need to get done, and my excellent ability at finding ways to distract myself from the tasks at hand, I’m a little stressed. So today instead of several lines of witty prose, I’m just going to give you the outfit details and slowly back away. Maybe just maybe I’ll finish my laundry, close out the items on my work to do list and somehow squeeze a pedicure in.
